What does it mean when you say to someone "I love you?" There are many answers and interpretations to this question, but when asked, the majority of people said that love is something they feel but cannot explain in words. People who genuinely feel they have fallen in love report a warm fuzzy inner feeling, sometimes giddiness. And, according to Psychiatrist Donatella Marazziti, of the University of Pisa, "Falling madly in love may really make you mentally ill."
People constantly ask, "How will I know when it's true love? How can I be certain if and when it hits me?" In an attempt to provide answers to these questions, our interviewers asked dozens of people who said that they had experienced the feeling of falling in love. Their answers and my own experiences over the years led me to the following conclusions:
People who fall in love recognize a strong force that draws them close to each other. Sometimes this force can be a strong physical attraction, which psychologists say is an important ingredient in romantic love. Sometimes, it's more than that. And modern research suggests that over the centuries, our bodies have developed processes to ensure we fall in love with the opposite sex, according to anthropologist Helen E. Fisher PhD.
A Biological explanation
An individual may begin a sexual liaison with a partner sometimes purely for sexual pleasure, then discover that he/she feels a strong attraction for the partner. In many such instances, one or both parties may mistake this attraction for lasting love. Many of us are no doubt aware of how costly such mistakes can be. Helen E. Fisher, PhD., in her study "Brains Do It: Lust, Attraction and Attachment," says that this attraction can be explained biologically. She discovered that, after orgasm, there is a rise in levels of the hormones vasopressin in men and oxytocin in women. These hormones are known for their attachment-causing properties, which led Fisher to conclude that the presence of these chemicals in the body is responsible for the closeness many couples experience after sexual intercourse.
A study referenced in an article in Cerebrum, a Dana Forum on Brain Science further explains three systems associated with mating, reproduction, and parenting. These systems are called Lust, Attraction, and Attachment.
Lust: This is nature's way of ensuring that a male and a female are sufficiently motivated to engage in the mating process.
Attraction: This system keeps both parties passionately focused on each other until insemination is accomplished. Fisher sees the evolution of the attraction system as a way for individuals to select and maintain focus on the most eligible partner. Individuals thought to be genetically superior were, and still are, considered to be more desirable as mating partners.
Attachment: This emotion system (termed 'compassionate love') has evolved to ensure that offspring are nurtured and cared for. The increased levels of the hormones vasopressin and oxytocin mentioned above indicates nature's intention to keep parents together for joint parenting, at least until offspring are able to care for themselves. It is interesting to note that the report suggests Lust and Attraction does not always go hand in hand. When men and women were injected with testosterone- a hormone known to increase sexual desire-their sex drives did increase but they did not fall in love.
In this report, Fisher also refers to studies carried out by D. Marazzitti and associates who concluded that falling in love is associated with low levels of the hormone serotonin. But according to Marazzitti, this chemical balance in humans does not remain constant, confirming that passionate attraction does not last forever. She noted that, when tested after a while, the levels of serotonin in the bodies of infatuated men and women change, returning to similar levels observed in subjects who had not fallen in love. Marazzitti and her team established the duration of infatuation between lovers from a period of 12 to 18 months.
This research is important because it explains how our biological system works in concert with our emotional processes. Whenever we find a suitable partner, we can then rely on our chemical and biological systems to assist us in achieving our emotional goals. And when we find that our partners seem less attracted to us, it does not necessarily mean they have fallen out of love with us. It may simply mean their biological processes are performing normally.
People say they are seeking their soul mates-the one person who shares how they view life itself, their most important values, and the driving force that moves them. Nathaniel Branden, PhD, says "When we meet another person, we sense how that individual experiences him or herself. We sense the level of that person's excitement or the lack of it. Our instant attraction or non attraction is automatic because our bodies and emotions respond faster than thought can take shape in words."
Each person is a unique being. What we sense at this moment is that the other person possesses what it takes to complement our lives. We sense that a union with such a person can bring new possibilities, which can make our existence richer. This is not to say this newfound person is the only one who can be right. There may be others. For this reason, it has been concluded that, for each person, more than one soul mate exists, according to Andrea N. Jones of Youth Outlook, a newspaper published by Pacific News Service.
This instant identification of compatibility can take place on your first contact or later as you become more familiar with each other. And because the events are too rapid for your logical thought processes, all you know is that you sense this instant connection but cannot explain reasons for it.
Later on, as you become more familiar with your partner and begin to understand his/her way of being, reactions to, and expression of emotions etc., you may be able to identify similarities, thus explaining the initial mutual attraction. It's true that the initial attraction can bring couples together, but love goes much deeper than that.
Falling In Love Is Not Being In Love
Many people meet, are attracted to each other, and fall in love but do not live happily ever after. Why? Because most of them are confused by the meaning of love.
Let's look at an explanation of love; there are many, but this one seems most accurate. When you love someone, you value that person highly-so highly that you have made a choice to offer your resources to nurture the one you love. You have also chosen to place her/his well-being and development as your highest priority. Yes, it is a choice, and to make a choice, you need information. Information gathering requires time. For this reason, there is no such thing as true love at first sight.
However, to offer yourself in this case does not mean to sacrifice or deprive you of resources. Most people relate "giving" to "relieving oneself of resources." But psychologists familiar with human behavior observe that "giving love" has a different meaning. When you give love, you experience strength, joy, and aliveness.
Therefore, those who give of themselves are bestowing on another the most precious gift they have to offer: their joys, their understandings, and their love for life. To them, these things are more valuable than money, yet they are willing to give them freely. Then something wonderful happens. By giving, they enrich another's life with the same joy, aliveness, and understanding that is a part of them. When all of these good things enhance the other person's life, that person radiates those feelings, giving birth to a new joy, which can be shared by them both. So by giving love, people automatically receive love in return, even though they do not give it with this intention.
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